Words from Judas

He always knew. I fooled everyone, even myself but He saw straight through me every time. I did everything I could to convince myself that I was like the other disciples, but I could never understand them or Him. They never seemed to care about everything that drove me. These massive crowds followed Jesus everywhere He went, and I got to be with Him at all times. He personally chose me ( and 11 other men) to be His escort through the world. I was one of The Twelve, the Elite, I got the fame because of His teaching. Life was where it should be.
I saw things you wouldn’t believe; the blind see, the dead walk, and with every miracle our glory got bigger. Oh but everyone else was so stupid! All they seemed to care about was being humble and a "servant" like Jesus told us to. They had know idea they were celebrities among their people, but I did, and I enjoyed it. I had gotten good too. I knew when to act inspired, when to marvel at His presence and when to say the right things. I had to if I wanted to keep my ticket to glory. But He knew. He always knew.
But the others, they always seemed so happy. I really wanted what they had, something real, worth holding on to, and I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed both fame and peace. Why was it all or nothing? I didn’t understand then, but now I do.
For three years this Jesus had led me to greater heights than I could have ever imagined, but then things started going backwards. Everything I had built was collapsing. Once we were at a house in Bethany, where we had spent many an evening fellowshipping. It was here that that disgusting woman anointed Jesus with her expensive perfume. That perfume could have been sold and the money given as sacrifice, not that I cared about God’s due gift but I (always looking out for myself) had access to that money to use at my will. This woman had no idea what she was doing to this man, for He was just a man; He had to eat and sleep just like the rest of us, and Jesus just accepted it! He really believed He was God! Every day the world and 11 other men grew closer to Him, and He never ceased to amaze them with wisdom and power. Every day my hate for all of them grew. Needless to say I took the opportunity I was given.
I will forever remember the night I condemned myself. I knew where Jesus and the others where heading after the Passover meal, as we had gone there often to escape the crowds, and I left early from the feast to turn Him in. Jesus told me that what I must do, I must do quickly and God as my witness it was the first time I really listened to Him.
He was more deeply in prayer than I had ever seen Him. He knew all along what was going to happen to Him, and He did nothing. I kissed him on the cheek, like I had told the guards I would do, and they shackled him. He put up no fight, though I had seen with my own eyes this man turning over the huge wooden tables in the temple only days before. Arms of such force could have at least attempted to retaliate. And Peter, perfect little Peter, pulled out his sword and attacked one of the servants that was with the guards. It was at this point something changed in me. Jesus, with full knowledge these men would eventually kill him, healed that servant. He picked up his ear and He healed him! I had seen far greater miracles done by this man, but none like this. The final realization that this man was exactly who He said he was, that He was real, hit me along with the remembrance of the horrible thing I had just done. The night only grew worse.
"Say something Jesus, defend yourself from these fools! Call down heaven upon their heads" I remember thinking as His accusers beat Him and defiled everything He stood for. I as well was being tormented in ways I can not describe. The mind is a terrible place to dwell in when you have just killed God. They condemned him to death and I ran as far as I could until my legs gave way. I could not take any more of this, it had only been a couple hours and already my very being was torn apart. I decided I had to end it all, and so I hung.

Misery of life only concluded in misery of the after life. When Jesus spoke of weeping and gnashing of teeth I imagined what Hell would be, but it never even remotely compared to the reality of it. I wallowed in the filth of the enemy for what seemed forever, until suddenly there was light. There is never light in Hell, for it was crafted out of darkness itself. Loud footsteps echoed through the hall and the light grew closer and closer until I heard a familiar voice call my name, the voice of Jesus. I remember thinking how horrible that this ghost of Christ would forever haunt me because of what I’d done to Him. The light and the vision of the man inside it kept coming closer until I cried out in fear. His eyes were soft and gentle though, as they had always been, and in His hand He held a very large key ring with thousands of keys on it.
When He finally spoke He said this. "Judas, you have right to be afraid, as you have made your decision and must pay this horrible price, but do not fear me. I have only just breathed my last breathe up there on that cross and I have come down here because I have a price to collect. You see, I love you, and I love the world around you and every one who is to come. I died so that they can live. I died for those who remained faithful to the end, and also for those who betrayed me like you have done. You are not alone, generations upon generations of people will betray me just as you have. They will go through all the motions and follow me everywhere but they will not know me. Their kiss of betrayal will be their mere church attendance and offering in place of real relationship with me. The nails that have been hammered into my wrists will continue to be hammered into my heart until that one day when I return in full glory, because many will choose to betray Me, deny Me, accuse Me, reject Me but if one will love Me, it will make my death worth it. But now they can have life; real, meaningful, purposeful life by simply choosing Me. I love you that much."