Monday, August 30, 2010

At a Loss

I sit down to write, the first time I have attempted to do so in a week, and the words still aren’t there.

I keep waiting for inspiration, for some revelation- heck I will even take a nugget of something philosophical I can wrap my mind around. I have nothing.

How are you supposed to feel when your twelve year old brother suddenly dies?

I feel like Jacob in the book of Genesis. He was making a journey and God interrupted him and wrestled with him all night. Then, God tried to move on and Jacob wouldn’t let Him go until He blessed him.

My life is on hold right now because I am wrestling with God.

I have had this idea that somehow that the price of loosing Caleb will be redeemed if only I receive some awe inspiring word of wisdom that I could simply put into a blog and preach about sometime.

I want God to bless me. My inability to see past myself amazes me sometimes.

Things would be a little less confusing if I wasn’t coming off the greatest spiritual high of my life. Traveling with Missio Dei has completely stretched me and shaped me into who I want to be the rest of my life, and it has only been less than a month.

Monday night we were at the University of Tennessee and I was fired up. I didn’t think there was anything that could keep me from storming the gates of Hell until hours later I got a text message saying Caleb was being hospitalized and was proved wrong.

If I was already questioning God this experience would have been the final straw. If I wasn’t sure that God had a plan I would be accusing him of not knowing what He is doing. If I was only focused on myself I would be pretty angry at God right now for taking away this innocent life, who lived a lifetime of hardship anyway.

The problem is that none of these are the case with me. I was right in the middle of a God-ordained, God-provided, and God-supplied journey. Everyday God has surprised me with something new and this was just another surprise- a really big surprise.

Except now I don’t know what to feel. Everyone around me seems to only have advice for people who are angry at or questioning God. They all want to encourage me that eventually I will need to get back to everyday life but what if that is all I want to do right now?

It has been exactly a week since our lives were turned upside down and Caleb’s life was ended. In that time I don’t remember ever feeling like I would expect someone who just lost their youngest brother would feel. I’m not saying that I wasn’t hysterical in the early hours of Tuesday morning when my family was cramped in a little room and a chaplain sat down with us to try and bring comfort. I’m not saying that I wasn’t in denial before I finally accepted he was gone. I’m just saying I always knew God had it.

I know that peace can only come from God, and I am very thankful for it.

It helps that Caleb was such an extraordinary young man. He truly did impact so many people, and he was filled with the joy that only God can give. Every day was a miracle, and his perpetual smile reflected that.

How can I be angry at God when He gave us twelve beautiful years that we didn’t expect?

So now I am at the “Now what?” phase, which seems to be a reoccurring phase in my life and I imagine will continue to be. I am stuck between wanting to join my team on the mission field where I have been feeling God move and wanting to be here for my family. I know how hard it was for them when I left the first time and this time will be so much harder. They are leaving the decision up to me, which makes it hard.

I know they can’t get back to a desperately needed routine until I leave, and I know that Missio Dei is absolutely where God has placed me, but how can I leave?

This is also why I was hoping for some divine revelation. I figured that would make going back easier.

And so, I am at a loss.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Captains Log: Thursday August 12, 2010

WEEK 2

I thought that my second week would not be able to top my first week at Missio Dei. I was wrong.

Last weekend we were in Thomasville helping Pastor Mike with a family conference. I thank God for the opportunity I had to worship him with my ability to run a Powerpoint.

The husband of the family that we were privileged to stay with owned a seafood buffet while the wife was an incredible artist. Their house was probably one of the nicest houses I have ever been in and we were all very glad to have our own beds especially since we had been crashing on couches and air mattresses for the past week. They also took great pleasure in showing off their culinary abilities, and fed us constantly. It was pretty amazing. We were all thinking that if this was what it was like being a missionary then we were quite alright with the whole thing.

Sunday service at The Connection Church in Thomasville was awesome. We were very surprised to hear a song from the Gaithers, Sandi Patty and Hillsong all in the same service. Pastor Mike did an incredible job speaking, which is to be expected.

Sunday after church a family pulled us aside and told us they were taking us to Walmart so that they could stock our apartment. We stood in awe as they went down the aisle with a shopping cart grabbing things off the shelves with no regard to how much it was costing them. We now have plates, silverware and everything we need to survive. Ms Donna Willingham, our Discipleship director’s wife, also helped gather a lot of stuff for us including George Foreman grills and Hamburger Helper. Booya!

We got to spend our first night in our apartment Sunday night since our AC just got fixed -we prayed over it before we went to bed.

We got up Monday and headed to Baxley, GA where a pastor there had brought it before his board and congregation whether or not they should purchase a trailer for us. They agreed and proceeded to purchase a $2000 trailer for us! We drove down to pick it up and it is exactly what we need. God is providing every step of the way.

After leaving Baxley we made the long trip up to Elijay, GA where we would spend the next couple of days finishing off boot camp. Here the surprises began.

Tuesday, we embarked on what was called the “Handicap Hike,” which came to be known as the hike from hell. We were assigned random injuries like being blindfolded or having an arm tied behind our back. I had both of my legs tied together forcing me to hop for about 3 hours up a mountain. We had to stay physically connected at all times by holding each other’s hands. The experience broke us down in every way and we are so much closer to each other than we already were.

The week was humbling and completely tested everything about us. We are a team now, ready to begin a Movement.

Tomorrow we work our first Georgia Dome event, where we actually run the concessions stand at home Falcon’s Games for fundraising. It will be pretty exciting.

Speaking of fund raising, due to some promises that have fallen through, I am still a couple hundred short of my tuition. God has provided for every step of the way and I am certain that God has the rest of it.

Thanks to one of my fellow journeyman introducing himself to our neighbor we now have internet. The neighbor even made us our own network and called it “For the Church Group.” Just one more answer to prayer, and this makes up for the same journeyman hacking into my facebook a couple hours ago. Its all good.

I am enjoying the internet now because as of tomorrow we are going on a technology fast to prepare our hearts for our first tour. We leave Saturday for the University of Tennessee where our goal is to reach 1000 students in the 10 days we are there. Everything reeks of awesomeness.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Me Worship

I wish somebody would have smacked me. Someone should have put me in my place a long time ago.

It seems that I have been living the past couple years with an extreme arrogance. I have had this idea that I was the smartest, wisest, and strongest Christian I know- at least of my peers. I knew I wasn’t perfect but I always just assumed I was the most perfect of anyone I knew.

Someone should have smacked me.

My short time at Missio Dei has already humbled me. I have been surrounded day and night by people my own age that can quote just as much scripture and are just as passionate about their God as I am. The wisdom that just oozes out of every pore of these people astounds me. It is here that God is reminding me that I am no different than anybody else- that I did not deserve to be created who I was nor did I even ask for it. I have realized that all my knowledge and experience have come to me unearned and then to think of how much of it has been wasted disgusts me. This revelation came to me after I had given up trying to find something, anything, wrong with my fellow journeymen that would prove I was a better Christian than them.

So lately God has been showing me that Me is all I am concerned about.

In Mathew 15 a Canaanite woman approaches Jesus begging for the deliverance of her demon possessed daughter. Jesus is pretty harsh with his word choice here in reference to her being a Gentile (as in, not Jewish and therefore not a child of God under the Old Covenant). He says “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs (26 NIV).”

I am not sure what Jesus’ motive was for being so blunt but the point I am trying to make is in her response.

‘“Yes Lord,” she says, “but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table (27).”

This lady knew she did not deserve a place at the table but was content with eating only the crumbs of everyone else’s leftovers. She was so grateful to even have the smallest portion of God’s power when we can’t stop singing about how much more of God we demand.

Have you ever thought about how self righteous our worship is? Think about the big songs that have made it to the top of the charts of the genre we classify as “Praise and Worship.” How many of them are all about what God is going to do for us, or what we are going to do to worship Him?

Do we ever stop to realize that we don’t even deserve the right to worship the God who is above all things much less demand that we see or feel more of Him?

I’m just wondering.

In the book of Esther we get a glimpse into some Royal customs of an ancient kingdom.

“Before a girl’s turn came to go in to King Xerses, she had to complete 12 months of beauty treatments prescribed for the woman, six months with oil and myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics. And this is how she would go to the king. (Esther 2: 12-13 NIV).

Now ol’ Xerxes was a Babylonian king who was about to annihilate all the Jews from his newly conquered kingdom. He had this whole process that took an entire year to execute for anyone who wanted to just be in his presence. After completing all this Esther only had one night to be with the king and then she would have to be personally summoned henceforward.

This is what people did to be in the presence of an unjust and flawed king of mere men. All we have to do is simply desire to be in the presence of the God who created the universe and we are there.

That astounds me. I cannot wrap my mind about this amazing privilege I have neglected so long out of my own arrogance.

Now, I don’t start worship without first thanking Him for the opportunity. I don't deserve it.

Friday, August 6, 2010

The Captains Log: Friday August 6, 2010

My first week at Missio Dei

It is hard to believe that I have only been at this incredible place for less than a week. So much has happened it feels like I have been here longer. I am going to use my regular blog to keep all my friends and family posted on what God is doing in my life and where their support is going.

Friday night was spent in my driveway with no one but myself and my basketball; the same basketball that I received for Christmas at age 7 and now has nothing remaining on its’ smooth exterior resembling what one would recognize as a basketball and instead is completely black with rubber interior. I have spent a large portion of my life on that driveway with that basketball and that net (which I received the same Christmas). Everything makes sense when I am running around with that basketball talking to myself about whatever it is that is going inside me. I needed that a lot on the night before I took the biggest step of my life, so I was out there until about 12:30.

Saturday afternoon the infamous Semple mobile was packed with everything I had room to bring (the rest is stored away in the attic) and I saw Stockbridge for the last time in awhile. When we got to the office we immediately went into worship and the long process of goodbyes (that is a lot of siblings to hug). When the parents had all left we headed over to Pastor Mike’s to grill out and play with his family in the backyard.

Sunday morning we all headed to Christ Chapel @Sportstowne which will be my home church on the few occasions we are home. It is weird to be a part of any other church other than Stockbridge Assembly but the service was phenomenal and I know I will enjoy the times I get to be there.

From there we headed to the guys apartment to paint which we soon discovered was lacking in the area of air conditioning. It was crazy hot and we were all literally dripping with sweat. It has taken us most of the week to paint the entire apartment and then move all of our stuff in and assemble the bunk beds but it is finally ready, with the exception of air conditioning. I really feel like a missionary when I am in there. Thankfully, Pastor Mike has opened up his basement to us guys and I have come to find out that he has a pretty comfortable couch.

These first two weeks are what they are calling boot camp and I am definitely feeling it. We start everyday at the office at 7:30 in the morning with incredible prayer and worship that lasts for a couple hours. It is amazing to worship with people my age just as excited and passionate about God as I am. Then we have chapel, then small group, then more time of just being poured into.

I have to admit that I came into this pretty arrogantly. I had the expectation that I was here to stretch and not be stretched, that I would pray through breaking points with my fellow journeymen instead of having to be broken myself. I was a little surprised.

I am so used to being the “influencer” and not the “influencee” that at first I was at a loss as to what my role on this team was. I know that at school my job is to introduce everyone around me to the Love that I have found and at church it is to doing everything I can to get people around me closer acquainted with it. Here I don’t know what to do.

Every person on this team knows who they are and who their creator is. They know what passion looks like and how to live it out and I am humbled daily by how much I have to learn from them. I am not used to this at all, which is exactly why I am here. From what I have discovered by talking with them is that they feel exactly the same thing I do, so we are all in the same boat.

This week has been full of surprises; from finding out that we were going to spend the next three days on a Daniel’s fast (eating only fruit, veggies, nuts and water) to suddenly stopping what we were doing to leave the office and go to a mall to see how many lost people we could reach in a couple hours. The Daniels fast was a complete surprise though a welcome one (however I am not sure my stomach was very open to the idea, it is truly amazing how fast fruit moves through you) and the talking to strangers was exciting and-for me- largely uneventful. It is not that I am scared to talk to people but it feels so unnatural and like a bird stalking its’ prey. I am working on it though, and getting better. It is really hard not to compare myself to my fellow journeymen who are all doing an amazing job. I’m working on it.

And so it is Friday night and I am in Thomasville, Georgia in quite possibly the nicest house I have ever been in enjoying the rare internet access. We are here to do a Family Life Conference tomorrow. To be honest I don’t really know what that means, and no one in charge seems to like the idea of keeping us too informed about what is going on. They want to keep us on our toes. Speaking of the spontaneous, they woke us up at three in the morning yesterday for a prayer meeting after they told us we were having a day off. It was amazing and worth the lack of sleep.

Everything changes every day. I am in awe of what God plans to do with these 10 months. Today is only day five and I am already a different person than when I left.