At a Loss

I sit down to write, the first time I have attempted to do so in a week, and the words still aren’t there.

I keep waiting for inspiration, for some revelation- heck I will even take a nugget of something philosophical I can wrap my mind around. I have nothing.

How are you supposed to feel when your twelve year old brother suddenly dies?

I feel like Jacob in the book of Genesis. He was making a journey and God interrupted him and wrestled with him all night. Then, God tried to move on and Jacob wouldn’t let Him go until He blessed him.

My life is on hold right now because I am wrestling with God.

I have had this idea that somehow that the price of loosing Caleb will be redeemed if only I receive some awe inspiring word of wisdom that I could simply put into a blog and preach about sometime.

I want God to bless me. My inability to see past myself amazes me sometimes.

Things would be a little less confusing if I wasn’t coming off the greatest spiritual high of my life. Traveling with Missio Dei has completely stretched me and shaped me into who I want to be the rest of my life, and it has only been less than a month.

Monday night we were at the University of Tennessee and I was fired up. I didn’t think there was anything that could keep me from storming the gates of Hell until hours later I got a text message saying Caleb was being hospitalized and was proved wrong.

If I was already questioning God this experience would have been the final straw. If I wasn’t sure that God had a plan I would be accusing him of not knowing what He is doing. If I was only focused on myself I would be pretty angry at God right now for taking away this innocent life, who lived a lifetime of hardship anyway.

The problem is that none of these are the case with me. I was right in the middle of a God-ordained, God-provided, and God-supplied journey. Everyday God has surprised me with something new and this was just another surprise- a really big surprise.

Except now I don’t know what to feel. Everyone around me seems to only have advice for people who are angry at or questioning God. They all want to encourage me that eventually I will need to get back to everyday life but what if that is all I want to do right now?

It has been exactly a week since our lives were turned upside down and Caleb’s life was ended. In that time I don’t remember ever feeling like I would expect someone who just lost their youngest brother would feel. I’m not saying that I wasn’t hysterical in the early hours of Tuesday morning when my family was cramped in a little room and a chaplain sat down with us to try and bring comfort. I’m not saying that I wasn’t in denial before I finally accepted he was gone. I’m just saying I always knew God had it.

I know that peace can only come from God, and I am very thankful for it.

It helps that Caleb was such an extraordinary young man. He truly did impact so many people, and he was filled with the joy that only God can give. Every day was a miracle, and his perpetual smile reflected that.

How can I be angry at God when He gave us twelve beautiful years that we didn’t expect?

So now I am at the “Now what?” phase, which seems to be a reoccurring phase in my life and I imagine will continue to be. I am stuck between wanting to join my team on the mission field where I have been feeling God move and wanting to be here for my family. I know how hard it was for them when I left the first time and this time will be so much harder. They are leaving the decision up to me, which makes it hard.

I know they can’t get back to a desperately needed routine until I leave, and I know that Missio Dei is absolutely where God has placed me, but how can I leave?

This is also why I was hoping for some divine revelation. I figured that would make going back easier.

And so, I am at a loss.