Destination

My whole life I have had goals. For a good part of my childhood I wanted to be a professional basketball player. This goal was abandoned when I found out how white I really was. In fourth grade, my goal was to set the school record the most veggie fries (think of every vegetable you know of, puree them together and then stick them in a deep fryer and you have a veggie fry) eaten in one lunch period without throwing up. As to the best of my knowledge, no student of Smith-Barnes elementary school has been able to brave beating my record of 47. I am sure, though, that I am the only who even cares about this record.
When I was 9 years old I was baptized in the Holy Spirit for the first time and received my "call to the ministry." My goals hence have changed dramatically.
It was shortly after this experience that I read David Wilkerson’s The Cross and the Switchblade which completely altered my view of my purpose. I wanted what David Wilkerson had, not so that I was so envious I wished to mimic his every move in ministry, but I wanted God to reach hurting people through me like He was doing through him Hurting teenagers specifically. If you haven’t read this book stop what you are doing and go find it, the movie doesn’t do it justice, and then read the sequel called 12 Angels from Hell.
Since then, a day has not gone by that I forget what God is calling me to.
Youth.
The hurting.
The world.
I have spent every day dreaming of what God will do in me. The sermons that will be preached to audiences of thousands, then nationally syndicated then quoted and misquoted in the years to come. I dream of the testimonies of lives changed, people having real authentic and thriving relationships with their Creator.
The bigger your dreams are for tomorrow, the more boring today becomes.
I have been really frustrated lately at how slowly all the things I have been promised are coming into fruition. And then the revelation came. Again.
I was running this morning like I do every morning. I have learned that when you are on mile 4 and only halfway through you will try to think of anything other than your cramping stomach and the sweat that constantly gets into your eyes.
It was here that I heard that infamous inaudible voice.
"Am I your destination, or just your method of obtaining it?"
Ouch! Not only were my legs hurting but now also was my conscience. I had learned a long time ago that I can’t do anything on my own, I fail miserably. I knew that God had to be more than completely involved if I were to be who I was created to be. This is basic stuff.
But it all revolved around me. Me getting what I was promised. Me being the best I could be. Me reaching that potential instilled in me by God.
I am realizing that my quest to be "all God wanted me to be" was the only way I measured my worth. If I didn’t fulfill my dreams, am I a failure?
Come on Kyle, those childish insecurities have been gone for years. Nope.
I see this in everything I do. I want to run the fastest, know the most, quote the most, live the best. What I thought was fulfilling the verse in Ecclesiastes that says "whatever your hands find to do, so it with all you might,"* was really just me trying to feel good about myself. The veggie fries were consumed at such disgusting quantity to get attention. The ministry goals were set because the only thing I thought I was able to do was ministry.
I still believe the promises will absolutely come to pass, and everything in me longs for that day but they should not be my goals. My goals should be to simply pursue. Run. Chase. Be fulfilled.
I want to spend everyday growing closer to God and learning all of His minute intricacies instead of wishing I were in a pulpit. This should keep me busy for an eternity or so.
I haven’t completely figured it out but I’m working on it. God does want my best, He wants everything I have to give because it’s all His anyway. My best should be given because it is His best, not mine. I am valuable to Him no matter what I accomplish. This is going to take awhile for it to really stick with me.

*Ecclesiastes 9:10