Sunday, September 1, 2013

Don't Offer Me a Vanilla Frosty


I am a huge fan of Frosties from Wendy’s. I don’t know what they do to get chocolate to have that texture but it is definitely working for them and for many years Dave Thomas and his little red headed daughter have excelled at offering the simple joy of a classic frozen treat with no frills.

As long as I can remember, the Frosty has been a staple of my order with no surprises. That is, until the important corporate Wendy’s people decided that the people wanted options when it came to their Frosties and their decision to add variety consequently lead to one of the most awkward things I have ever accidently said to a stranger.

I was at a Wendy’s late one night ordering my usual Classic Tripple when I decided to finish off the meal with a small Frosty. Everything was fine until the cashier asked if I wanted either chocolate or vanilla.

Monday, April 22, 2013

The Know (None of) It All


Did you know that the technical term for holding hands is interdigitation?

Or that the same guy who wrote the James Bond books also wrote Chitty Chitty, Bang Bang?

Kathy Lee Gifford sang the theme song to the Beginner Bible Stories videos.

Silly putty was developed by the military during World War II as a failed substitute for rubber.

The Thing from the Fantastic Four is a devout Jew.

McGuiver’s first name was Angus.

Go Google it. My facts are straight.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

What I Will Soon Learn From Living With A Woman


In just a few short months I will make the great transition from a single college kid to a married adult. This is pretty exciting, but pretty scary at the same time. Being married opens up a whole new world of questions that I have never had to ask before, for instance:

How will I handle sharing a bathroom with someone who squeezes their toothpaste from the middle of the tube?

How do I decide which side of the bed will be my permanent resting place for the rest of my life?

Will Casey think I am weird when she walks in on me having insane air guitar solos in front of the bathroom mirror? Will she judge me?

There is one thing though that I already have figured out that I know will make me a very happily married man and that is this: Casey likes me to do stuff for her without her asking.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

A Biblical History of Funk and Soul


Nobody can escape the Funk, it attacks everybody like a ninja assassin in the night when you least expect it.

Now I am not talking about the style of music played by James Brown or Earth Wind and Fire that is known for repetitive bass lines and using the word “fat” to describe things in a good way. Nor am I talking about the Funk that happens in your pits after trying to work out a New Year’s resolution to get in shape, though that kind of funk could easily be compared to a deadly ninja assassin as well.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Jesus Fish and the Glorious Monotony


The roads of this country would be a much safer place if Christians remembered they had a plastic Jesus fish stuck to the back of their car. Then we might drive like we were law abiding, polite, saved drivers instead of cutting people off and visibly showing our distaste when it happens to us. It turns out that the plastic sea dweller on the back of your car is actually making a statement. That is, of course unless you have that Jesus fish that is showing his superiority to evolution by eating that blasphemous Darwin fish with legs.

Hundreds of years before we started sticking this iconic symbol on minivans and business cards, the Early Church used it as a kind of secret password between followers of the “Way.” Times were hard and emperors were cruel and when everyday faced the reality that you could be stoned, flogged, or eaten by lions to the delight of thousands of spectators, having a way to secretly identify other believers was vital. The symbol was placed over door frames and on aqueducts to show believers that that was a safe place to stay, free from Roman tyranny. I think I always knew that part but I have always wondered why a fish would represent this supernatural movement in history. Curiosities turn to Google searches rather quickly for me.

I found out that the symbol itself represents an acronym for the Greek word for fish, Ichthys, which kind of sounds like you are sneezing if you say it really fast. Go ahead and try it. Now wipe your nose and get ready for a very brief lesson in Greek. Ancient Greece had a different alphabet than we do, so they would have seen this word as ΙΧΘΥΣ with each letter representing a different word that translates into "Jesus Christ, God's Son, Savior.”   

Well that is cool, but it is still all Greek to me.

The significance of using a fish was still a mystery to me though, until I remembered what the disciples used to do before they started changing the world. Before they dealt with people, they dealt with fish. Most of the disciples would have grown up into a family with a generational tradition of vocational fishing. Their fathers fished, as did their fathers before them and before them. Fishing was what they were born to do and what they would die doing. They knew that for the rest of their lives they would wake up early, get in a boat, cast a few nets, draw the nets back in and pray that it would be enough to make a living. It was the monotony they were destined for. 

Then a man named Jesus came and changed everything. He walks right up to these fishermen, says one very simple statement and these men literally drop everything and dedicate their lives to Him. He does not promise them a life of adventure away from all this boring fish stuff. He does not tell them that their lives are going to be super exciting and that they won’t dread waking up in the mornings. All He does is take what they were already doing and makes it more significant.

He says “I will make you fishers of Men.”

Basically Jesus was telling His disciples “I am calling you to do something that matters, something with eternal value and significance that you would never be able to do on your own. And I am going to start with your current monotonous life and make it glorious.”

The great majority of people live lives full of monotony. We file papers, drive kids around, and listen to professors, teachers and executives talk all day. We do the same basic task every day with the hopes that one day we can earn enough to retire from it all and then commit to doing nothing until we croak.

What Jesus and the little fish stuck to the back of your car are trying to tell you is that one day it will all mean something. One day that thing you were faithful in doing your whole life regardless of how boring and tiring it was will be worth it. One day God will show up and show out right in the middle of your workplace and you will see that you have not been working in vain. One day God is going to use all the knowledge and ability you have gained over your whole life (though you did not know why) and use it to further His kingdom. One day your day job will matter.

Following Jesus sometimes feels like a glorious monotony where we wander aimlessly in the desert but are daily surprised by fresh revelation and added significance. God sees you and He knows your heart and how long you have been waiting for His promise. He has seen your faithfulness to doing whatever you needed to do to make it all happen and letting Him take care of everything else. He has seen every time you turned off the alarm, rolled out of bed and knowingly went off to a job or a situation you did not want to face but did anyway with a smile. He has seen every promotion and accolade you deserved but did not get. He has seen how long you have been doing the same thing just to make ends meet. Let Him make it all worth something.

Let Him add value to what you are already doing by asking His vision for your circumstance. Ask Him what He wants to do in your workplace or school. Ask Him where He can be found in the glorious monotony called your life.

Wake up tomorrow with vision instead of dread. Wake up with mission from God. Kick your monotony in the jugular and show it who is boss.

 

Monday, January 7, 2013

Peace Chucks


A hipster is someone who thinks that they were cool before being cool was cool. I was never cool, so that does not include me.

 I realized a long time ago that the cooler you are today the funnier your old pictures will be to your kids so I have made it a life goal to wear clothes that my future children will not make fun of. I stick with jeans, a T-shirt, and the single pair of tennis shoes that have been around for generations that I am certain will still be in style whenever Jesus comes back- the one and only, Chuck Taylor All-Star High-Top Converse. These shoes were created in the 1920’s as a basketball shoe endorsed by the professional player of which they are named. Thankfully, basketball shoes have improved in technology over the years, but this pair of shoes has outlasted every other shoe craze and has been worn consistently for close to a century.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Africaphobia


Quick! Think about the dumbest song you have ever heard.

If Meatloaf’s “I Would Do Anything for Love, But I Won’t Do That” did not immediately pop into your head then I would implore you to reconsider. However, if you thought of “Call Me Maybe” then you raise a good point that I will have to take into account the next time I am ranting on the worst songs in history.

If you disagree with me then I respect your opinion and I will not stoop to the level of publicly proclaiming a well thought out list of why this particular song is dumber than the song that you thought of. Wait, who am I kidding? Of course I am going to give you a list.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Frosty the Snow-Me

Nothing says “welcome home baby Jesus” like a confused singing snow man who comes to life every time some kids put a magic top hat on him.

Well, too be honest I never really got the connection either. I mean I was cool with watching the original 1969 Frosty movie every other Christmas season but I drew the line at “Frosty’s Winter Wonderland,” “Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July,” and “Frosty Returns.” I just did not see the potential in a singing ball of snow for an epic movie saga. This year however, I have come to the conclusion that Frosty the Snowman is a key player in this whole Christmas story; even more than George Bailey, Clark Griswold, little Ralphie, and Tiny Tim.

Monday, December 10, 2012

French-Pressed God Almighty


I am going to pretend I am a dude version of Mrs. Frizzle and pull out a Magic School Bus with a pet iguana and a politically correct assortment of school kids so that I can take you on a field trip through time. Plutonium powered DeLoreans are too expensive and time traveling phone booths are hugely impractical so a Magic School Bus will have to do.

I want to go way back to the beginning, back into the time when you did not have to wear clothes in polite society (and no, I am not talking about the sixties), back into a time where there was nothing separating Man and God. Other than getting to walk around naked naming animals all day, have you ever thought about how amazing it had to have been in the Garden of Eden where God literally could walk around and share the secrets of the Universe with you?  People had not been around long enough to invite sin into the world so creation was still a perfect place where a Holy God could dwell. Adam and Eve did not have to “pray” like we do, they simply had to turn around and personally ask God whatever they wanted to know. This was exactly what God wanted.

Monday, December 3, 2012

The Seeded Grape Movement


I am in the process of starting a social activism movement that will blow the socks off of every other social activism movement in history.

Ok, maybe it won’t be that big, but hopefully it will be bigger than the “Save the Whales” campaign that inspired the making of the Free Willy saga, or the “Save the Rain Forest” campaign that inspired FernGully 1 and 2. Forget the whales, the bald eagles, and the rubber trees -I want to save the grapes.