Cute Little Linus

It is surprisingly easy to get punched in the face by a Christian in the month of December.

            Granted, I am not sure why that would be a personal goal anybody would actually have but this is useful information should you desire it. This is especially useful when you consider how hard it is the rest of the year to get people who are supposed to be characterized by general niceness to give you a good right hook.

            If you want a Christian to punch you in the face simply say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”

Persistance of Vision

The multi-billion dollar international television and film industry would not be possible without an inherent developmental flaw found in the brain of every single human being, including you. I know that was a harsh way to tell you that you are inherently flawed but I thought you should know sooner or later.

This flaw is called the “persistence of vision” and causes our brain to mesh consecutive images together instead of seeing them separately as they really are. When our eyes transmit a signal to our brain, that image is held onto in our brains milliseconds longer than the actual signal is present. What that means is when we have two images presented before our eyes in a fast enough progression we will see the images as one fluid motion.

Groove

I have a reoccurring day dream when I walk into a room full of people that involves a futuristic DJ playing “Play that Funky Music White Boy” upon my entrance. A disco ball shows up out of nowhere and suddenly I am dressed in a white leisure suit dancing like John Travolta while everyone crowds around me swaying back and forth to the music.

I don’t know if I should have publically admitted that but whatever.

The point is in every situation I find myself in I immediately look for my groove. I am always listening for “my jam” to play and always looking for a sweet spot in life that just feels right. I want the music of my life to be the song that I know all the words to and exactly what the beat sounds like.

What Will Ya Have?

When you walk into the famous Varsity restaurant in Atlanta you will not be welcomed with a warm greeting. When you walk through the door a cahier will most likely yell at you from behind the register asking “what will ya have?” before you have even had a chance to look at the menu. The odd thing is that nobody ever gets offended. It is simply part of the experience of the Varsity and it draws hundreds of people from all over the world every day.

When I was I kid my family was traveling through Missouri and we stopped at a place called Lambert’s Café which bears the title “Home of the Throwed Roll.” The roll throwing is not a special technique used by their bakers to make extra fluffy rolls but is in fact the preferred method of roll delivery to each guest’s table. At a normal restaurant, when you want a roll you simply reach into the basket placed on your table but this is not a normal restaurant. At Lambert’s getting a roll is much more interesting. Simply raise your hand in the air and an employee standing at the front of the room will throw it to you. It make sense then, that if you raise your hand for a roll you better be ready to catch but for some reason that thought did not compute in my five year old mind. I raised my hand and got distracted by something only to feel the hot buttery sensation of a huge roll being lobbed at my face while my family erupted in laughter. I was highly offended.

Don't Offer Me a Vanilla Frosty

I am a huge fan of Frosties from Wendy’s. I don’t know what they do to get chocolate to have that texture but it is definitely working for them and for many years Dave Thomas and his little red headed daughter have excelled at offering the simple joy of a classic frozen treat with no frills.

As long as I can remember, the Frosty has been a staple of my order with no surprises. That is, until the important corporate Wendy’s people decided that the people wanted options when it came to their Frosties and their decision to add variety consequently lead to one of the most awkward things I have ever accidently said to a stranger.

I was at a Wendy’s late one night ordering my usual Classic Tripple when I decided to finish off the meal with a small Frosty. Everything was fine until the cashier asked if I wanted either chocolate or vanilla.

The Know (None of) It All

Did you know that the technical term for holding hands is interdigitation?

Or that the same guy who wrote the James Bond books also wrote Chitty Chitty, Bang Bang?

Kathy Lee Gifford sang the theme song to the Beginner Bible Stories videos.

Silly putty was developed by the military during World War II as a failed substitute for rubber.

The Thing from the Fantastic Four is a devout Jew.

McGuiver’s first name was Angus.

Go Google it. My facts are straight.

What I Will Soon Learn From Living With A Woman

In just a few short months I will make the great transition from a single college kid to a married adult. This is pretty exciting, but pretty scary at the same time. Being married opens up a whole new world of questions that I have never had to ask before, for instance:

How will I handle sharing a bathroom with someone who squeezes their toothpaste from the middle of the tube?

How do I decide which side of the bed will be my permanent resting place for the rest of my life?

Will Casey think I am weird when she walks in on me having insane air guitar solos in front of the bathroom mirror? Will she judge me?

There is one thing though that I already have figured out that I know will make me a very happily married man and that is this: Casey likes me to do stuff for her without her asking.

A Biblical History of Funk and Soul

Nobody can escape the Funk, it attacks everybody like a ninja assassin in the night when you least expect it.

Now I am not talking about the style of music played by James Brown or Earth Wind and Fire that is known for repetitive bass lines and using the word “fat” to describe things in a good way. Nor am I talking about the Funk that happens in your pits after trying to work out a New Year’s resolution to get in shape, though that kind of funk could easily be compared to a deadly ninja assassin as well.

The Jesus Fish and the Glorious Monotony

The roads of this country would be a much safer place if Christians remembered they had a plastic Jesus fish stuck to the back of their car. Then we might drive like we were law abiding, polite, saved drivers instead of cutting people off and visibly showing our distaste when it happens to us. It turns out that the plastic sea dweller on the back of your car is actually making a statement. That is, of course unless you have that Jesus fish that is showing his superiority to evolution by eating that blasphemous Darwin fish with legs.

Hundreds of years before we started sticking this iconic symbol on minivans and business cards, the Early Church used it as a kind of secret password between followers of the “Way.” Times were hard and emperors were cruel and when everyday faced the reality that you could be stoned, flogged, or eaten by lions to the delight of thousands of spectators, having a way to secretly identify other believers was vital. The symbol was placed over door frames and on aqueducts to show believers that that was a safe place to stay, free from Roman tyranny. I think I always knew that part but I have always wondered why a fish would represent this supernatural movement in history. Curiosities turn to Google searches rather quickly for me.

I found out that the symbol itself represents an acronym for the Greek word for fish, Ichthys, which kind of sounds like you are sneezing if you say it really fast. Go ahead and try it. Now wipe your nose and get ready for a very brief lesson in Greek. Ancient Greece had a different alphabet than we do, so they would have seen this word as ΙΧΘΥΣ with each letter representing a different word that translates into "Jesus Christ, God's Son, Savior.”   

Well that is cool, but it is still all Greek to me.

The significance of using a fish was still a mystery to me though, until I remembered what the disciples used to do before they started changing the world. Before they dealt with people, they dealt with fish. Most of the disciples would have grown up into a family with a generational tradition of vocational fishing. Their fathers fished, as did their fathers before them and before them. Fishing was what they were born to do and what they would die doing. They knew that for the rest of their lives they would wake up early, get in a boat, cast a few nets, draw the nets back in and pray that it would be enough to make a living. It was the monotony they were destined for. 

Then a man named Jesus came and changed everything. He walks right up to these fishermen, says one very simple statement and these men literally drop everything and dedicate their lives to Him. He does not promise them a life of adventure away from all this boring fish stuff. He does not tell them that their lives are going to be super exciting and that they won’t dread waking up in the mornings. All He does is take what they were already doing and makes it more significant.

He says “I will make you fishers of Men.”

Basically Jesus was telling His disciples “I am calling you to do something that matters, something with eternal value and significance that you would never be able to do on your own. And I am going to start with your current monotonous life and make it glorious.”

The great majority of people live lives full of monotony. We file papers, drive kids around, and listen to professors, teachers and executives talk all day. We do the same basic task every day with the hopes that one day we can earn enough to retire from it all and then commit to doing nothing until we croak.

What Jesus and the little fish stuck to the back of your car are trying to tell you is that one day it will all mean something. One day that thing you were faithful in doing your whole life regardless of how boring and tiring it was will be worth it. One day God will show up and show out right in the middle of your workplace and you will see that you have not been working in vain. One day God is going to use all the knowledge and ability you have gained over your whole life (though you did not know why) and use it to further His kingdom. One day your day job will matter.

Following Jesus sometimes feels like a glorious monotony where we wander aimlessly in the desert but are daily surprised by fresh revelation and added significance. God sees you and He knows your heart and how long you have been waiting for His promise. He has seen your faithfulness to doing whatever you needed to do to make it all happen and letting Him take care of everything else. He has seen every time you turned off the alarm, rolled out of bed and knowingly went off to a job or a situation you did not want to face but did anyway with a smile. He has seen every promotion and accolade you deserved but did not get. He has seen how long you have been doing the same thing just to make ends meet. Let Him make it all worth something.

Let Him add value to what you are already doing by asking His vision for your circumstance. Ask Him what He wants to do in your workplace or school. Ask Him where He can be found in the glorious monotony called your life.

Wake up tomorrow with vision instead of dread. Wake up with mission from God. Kick your monotony in the jugular and show it who is boss.

 

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Peace Chucks

A hipster is someone who thinks that they were cool before being cool was cool. I was never cool, so that does not include me.

 I realized a long time ago that the cooler you are today the funnier your old pictures will be to your kids so I have made it a life goal to wear clothes that my future children will not make fun of. I stick with jeans, a T-shirt, and the single pair of tennis shoes that have been around for generations that I am certain will still be in style whenever Jesus comes back- the one and only, Chuck Taylor All-Star High-Top Converse. These shoes were created in the 1920’s as a basketball shoe endorsed by the professional player of which they are named. Thankfully, basketball shoes have improved in technology over the years, but this pair of shoes has outlasted every other shoe craze and has been worn consistently for close to a century.