Africaphobia

Quick! Think about the dumbest song you have ever heard.

If Meatloaf’s “I Would Do Anything for Love, But I Won’t Do That” did not immediately pop into your head then I would implore you to reconsider. However, if you thought of “Call Me Maybe” then you raise a good point that I will have to take into account the next time I am ranting on the worst songs in history.

If you disagree with me then I respect your opinion and I will not stoop to the level of publicly proclaiming a well thought out list of why this particular song is dumber than the song that you thought of. Wait, who am I kidding? Of course I am going to give you a list.

Frosty the Snow-Me

Nothing says “welcome home baby Jesus” like a confused singing snow man who comes to life every time some kids put a magic top hat on him.

Well, too be honest I never really got the connection either. I mean I was cool with watching the original 1969 Frosty movie every other Christmas season but I drew the line at “Frosty’s Winter Wonderland,” “Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July,” and “Frosty Returns.” I just did not see the potential in a singing ball of snow for an epic movie saga. This year however, I have come to the conclusion that Frosty the Snowman is a key player in this whole Christmas story; even more than George Bailey, Clark Griswold, little Ralphie, and Tiny Tim.

French-Pressed God Almighty

I am going to pretend I am a dude version of Mrs. Frizzle and pull out a Magic School Bus with a pet iguana and a politically correct assortment of school kids so that I can take you on a field trip through time. Plutonium powered DeLoreans are too expensive and time traveling phone booths are hugely impractical so a Magic School Bus will have to do.

I want to go way back to the beginning, back into the time when you did not have to wear clothes in polite society (and no, I am not talking about the sixties), back into a time where there was nothing separating Man and God. Other than getting to walk around naked naming animals all day, have you ever thought about how amazing it had to have been in the Garden of Eden where God literally could walk around and share the secrets of the Universe with you?  People had not been around long enough to invite sin into the world so creation was still a perfect place where a Holy God could dwell. Adam and Eve did not have to “pray” like we do, they simply had to turn around and personally ask God whatever they wanted to know. This was exactly what God wanted.

The Seeded Grape Movement

I am in the process of starting a social activism movement that will blow the socks off of every other social activism movement in history.

Ok, maybe it won’t be that big, but hopefully it will be bigger than the “Save the Whales” campaign that inspired the making of the Free Willy saga, or the “Save the Rain Forest” campaign that inspired FernGully 1 and 2. Forget the whales, the bald eagles, and the rubber trees -I want to save the grapes.