Mood Swings, Hot Flashes and Exploding Mines

If you were to line all of my school pictures in a row you would see a drastic evolution of hair.

It started out with the traditional bowl cut every boy had at some time in their life. Then it evolved into the “short on the sides flippy in the front with lots of hair gel” look. In 6th grade I got this idea in my head that I was a skateboarder and therefore needed skateboarder long hair (much to the disapproval of my Mom), so I grew it out to where I could stick the ends in my mouth and permanently cover my eyes like all the cool kids. After that I seem to have been horribly deceived into thinking that dying only the top of my head blonde would be a really good idea. Let’s just say it wasn’t.

Looking back, I realize that with as many phases my hair has gone through, my “spiritual” life has gone through that much more.

There have been many times when I was super excited and passionate about anything that would bring me closer to God and would stop at nothing to pursue him deeper. I would wake up early and commit hours to prayer and reading my Bible. I would make a consistent effort to look for opportunities to share the love that I had found and minister to those who needed it.   I would be determined and disciplined and just overall excited about life.

And then there would be the rest of the week.

There always seem to be more seasons of my life that I struggle to get out of bed than those times I get to turn off my alarm with a smile. There seem to be more times in my life that I have to force myself to have a “quiet time” than those times that talking to God is all I can think about. Sometimes inspiration comes effortlessly and sometimes I have absolutely nothing to say.

I feel like looking back on my life is like reading 1 and 2 Kings. One chapter everybody would be great with God and the kingdom would be at peace, the next they would be sacrificing their children to a cow and being ravaged by every nation around them.

Ok so maybe it is a slight exaggeration to compare myself to pagan idolaters when I am in a season where I don’t feel like going after God but I think anybody who has ever tried to stay in this faith for any period of time knows exactly what I am  talking about. The seasons of my life where I feel on fire for God afterwards only feel hot flashes- sudden, random, and just enough to get me all worked up before I cool down again.

If God had the same inconsistent level of motivation that has characterized my life He would not yet have gotten around to flooding the Earth. 

I can’t tell you how many journal entries I have written that should have been that pivotal moment in time where my life permanently changed for the good. I wrote them almost imagining someone researching my life and seeing those pages and marking them with a Post-It note that said “This is the time Kyle decided to tell everyone he met about Jesus” or “This is when Kyle finally committed to consistently studying the Bible.”

My hope was always that, in a season of clarity and motivation, that I would be able to make one decision that would determine all the other decisions I would ever make regardless of how I would feel in those moments. I wanted to decide right now the person I would be in twenty years. Now it is true that our choices now affect our lives later but that doesn’t change the fact that every day must be a decision.

Life is just a series of moments all strung together and each moment requires a decision. If I want to look back on my life and see someone who adamantly pursued God with consistency then every moment of my life has to be spent in conscious decision to disregard how I feel in that moment and set my eyes on God. That is a lot harder to do than saying a one time prayer and being set for life.

So what do we do when our mood swings the wrong way? What do we do when we don’t care to do anything and no sermon, book, or circumstance can inspire us with passion and conviction? What do we do when we wake up everyday bored?

Remember.

Remember who you are, who God is, and what He has created you to do.

That probably sounds like the worst self-help advice ever given because of course that is so much easier to say than do.

 

I won the game of Minesweeper  the other day on my laptop for the first time in my life I can remember. Now I have played this game on the computer since I was a little kid but to be honest with you, up until recently I had no idea how to actually play. I have spent my whole life clicking on random squares and hoping I didn’t click one with a mine underneath it that would set off all the other mines and end the game.

When I started writing this post, I lost inspiration very quickly. I got about half way through when my creativity deflated and my mood swung back into boredom mode. So instead of finishing, I did the American thing and gave up my work to play a game. FreeCell always confused me and Solitaire makes me feel like I have no purpose in life so that pretty much left only Minesweeper as an option. I started out with my usual strategy of random clicking but that soon got boring so I decided to actually read the instructions for the first time. I found out that those numbers that pop up when you click on a square actually have some significance (who knew?) and after a couple more rounds of trial and error I had it and became victorious for the first time.

When I look back on my walk with God I see a whole lot of random clicking. Everything I have done has been in the hopes that it would keep me in the game one more round. I could usually keep it going for a little bit, but landing on a metaphorical mine was always inevitable and I would be struck with impassioned boredom that would cause to me struggle with any kind of motivation at all. Then I would eventually start over and hope to keep it all going for a little bit longer than the last time.

Two things happen when you play a game like that for a long enough time: You quit, or you figure it out.

You remember.

You remember your failures and past mistakes and you know not to click there again. You remember where you were successful and what you did right and you eventually figure out how the game is played.

So if you are, like I am, in that season of boredom or lack of passion or motivation just keep clicking. Keep trying and keep moving. There will come a time where you figure out what your problem has always been and everything will make sense and you will know exactly what to do with whatever comes against you.

There will come a day where you figure out where all the mines are, but until then, keep clicking on squares. Go win some. Go loose some, but never give up any.