The Captains Log: Friday August 6, 2010

My first week at Missio Dei

It is hard to believe that I have only been at this incredible place for less than a week. So much has happened it feels like I have been here longer. I am going to use my regular blog to keep all my friends and family posted on what God is doing in my life and where their support is going.

Friday night was spent in my driveway with no one but myself and my basketball; the same basketball that I received for Christmas at age 7 and now has nothing remaining on its’ smooth exterior resembling what one would recognize as a basketball and instead is completely black with rubber interior. I have spent a large portion of my life on that driveway with that basketball and that net (which I received the same Christmas). Everything makes sense when I am running around with that basketball talking to myself about whatever it is that is going inside me. I needed that a lot on the night before I took the biggest step of my life, so I was out there until about 12:30.

Saturday afternoon the infamous Semple mobile was packed with everything I had room to bring (the rest is stored away in the attic) and I saw Stockbridge for the last time in awhile. When we got to the office we immediately went into worship and the long process of goodbyes (that is a lot of siblings to hug). When the parents had all left we headed over to Pastor Mike’s to grill out and play with his family in the backyard.

Sunday morning we all headed to Christ Chapel @Sportstowne which will be my home church on the few occasions we are home. It is weird to be a part of any other church other than Stockbridge Assembly but the service was phenomenal and I know I will enjoy the times I get to be there.

From there we headed to the guys apartment to paint which we soon discovered was lacking in the area of air conditioning. It was crazy hot and we were all literally dripping with sweat. It has taken us most of the week to paint the entire apartment and then move all of our stuff in and assemble the bunk beds but it is finally ready, with the exception of air conditioning. I really feel like a missionary when I am in there. Thankfully, Pastor Mike has opened up his basement to us guys and I have come to find out that he has a pretty comfortable couch.

These first two weeks are what they are calling boot camp and I am definitely feeling it. We start everyday at the office at 7:30 in the morning with incredible prayer and worship that lasts for a couple hours. It is amazing to worship with people my age just as excited and passionate about God as I am. Then we have chapel, then small group, then more time of just being poured into.

I have to admit that I came into this pretty arrogantly. I had the expectation that I was here to stretch and not be stretched, that I would pray through breaking points with my fellow journeymen instead of having to be broken myself. I was a little surprised.

I am so used to being the “influencer” and not the “influencee” that at first I was at a loss as to what my role on this team was. I know that at school my job is to introduce everyone around me to the Love that I have found and at church it is to doing everything I can to get people around me closer acquainted with it. Here I don’t know what to do.

Every person on this team knows who they are and who their creator is. They know what passion looks like and how to live it out and I am humbled daily by how much I have to learn from them. I am not used to this at all, which is exactly why I am here. From what I have discovered by talking with them is that they feel exactly the same thing I do, so we are all in the same boat.

This week has been full of surprises; from finding out that we were going to spend the next three days on a Daniel’s fast (eating only fruit, veggies, nuts and water) to suddenly stopping what we were doing to leave the office and go to a mall to see how many lost people we could reach in a couple hours. The Daniels fast was a complete surprise though a welcome one (however I am not sure my stomach was very open to the idea, it is truly amazing how fast fruit moves through you) and the talking to strangers was exciting and-for me- largely uneventful. It is not that I am scared to talk to people but it feels so unnatural and like a bird stalking its’ prey. I am working on it though, and getting better. It is really hard not to compare myself to my fellow journeymen who are all doing an amazing job. I’m working on it.

And so it is Friday night and I am in Thomasville, Georgia in quite possibly the nicest house I have ever been in enjoying the rare internet access. We are here to do a Family Life Conference tomorrow. To be honest I don’t really know what that means, and no one in charge seems to like the idea of keeping us too informed about what is going on. They want to keep us on our toes. Speaking of the spontaneous, they woke us up at three in the morning yesterday for a prayer meeting after they told us we were having a day off. It was amazing and worth the lack of sleep.

Everything changes every day. I am in awe of what God plans to do with these 10 months. Today is only day five and I am already a different person than when I left.

Boldly Going

“Missio Dei, the first frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Kyle. His ten month mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where he sure as heck has never gone before.”

It is pretty common knowledge that I am a nerd who would find great pleasure in the aforementioned allusion. It is also common knowledge that on July 31st (Holy Moses it is only 15 days away!) I will spring from my parents’ nest and head straight into the vast and mysterious world everyone is calling the Mission Field. I will experience life on my own, completely new and unpredictable surroundings, and incredible amounts of spiritual stretching all within the first week. Needless to say I just might wet myself with excitement.
People keep telling me not to worry and that everything will be great, and I believe them- well I believe the God who told me all that before they felt compelled to share it with me. To the best of my understanding I am not nervous or scared at all, at least at the moment. I am fully aware that I am standing on the brink of something much bigger than I am and that this is just the start of my dreams coming true. I am also aware that there aren’t too many people able to say that, and I praise God every day for it.
It is not, however, what I am going to that has me a little on the edge but is simply what I am leaving behind. The bottom line is I am not in charge of the things I have always been in charge of. Things that have been under my control won’t be, and I have to trust that the same God who more than miraculously provided for me will provide for the things He is asking me to leave.
A lot of these things are selfish but not all. For the past couple years God has been stressing to me how important my influence is on my peers and now I have to let them fend for themselves. I have to trust that God has spoken enough wisdom through me that they will be ok and that God knows what He is doing. He always does.
I am also naïve enough to pray that certain things stay the same the entire time I am gone and that I can come back next year and pick up exactly where I left off. I am aware this is completely ridiculous.
I have to trust that God will be piloting my Enterprise as well as doing amazing things at the Earth station.

Graduation

In a couple hours I will walk across the most important stage I have encountered thus far in my mere 18 years of existence.
My gown is ready, my hair styled and my tie already on.
Recently, as everything swells in excitement to tonight, I have been feeling like I am missing something.
I am just not as thrilled about graduation as everyone around me seems to be and I don’t know why. It isn’t that I am scared for what the future will bring me or that I have had such a great time these past four years that I don’t want to leave, I just don’t seem to be enthused about the whole thing.
I realized a couple minutes ago why.
Everyone is saying that we have worked for 13 years for this night, but that is not completely true for me. I have been working for far greater things than a sheet of paper.
I was reading the signatures in my freshmen yearbook before school started and I made the declaration that this year people would write more than just about how I made them laugh or am a nice person, whatever that means.
I read over the signatures in this years’ yearbook and realized that the diploma means very little to me in comparison to what God has done through me in the people I come in contact with.
I feel like I did what I set out to do, but it isn’t my doing at all. I feel so humbled to see how God has used me and I think to myself that I didn’t do any of it. God gave me the opportunity to do the things I love to do and people were changed by it. That astounds me.
So tonight isn’t much of a transition to me (though who knows what hindsight will teach me), because I am still just going to do the things I love to do. To God be the glory.

To the Girl Who Carved HATE into her arm

To the girl who carved HATE into her arm,

I wasn’t being nosy I swear but I saw it anyway. I was standing behind you in the lunch line when my eyes caught sight of your left arm where you had carved the word HATE into yourself in big capital letters. I noticed the other scars there too.
This wasn’t a new scar, and I could tell you had done it a long time ago and judging by your uncovered arms I assume you aren’t ashamed of it.
I wanted to say something, anything but no words could follow the pain that welled up in my gut. I saw you yesterday and still am unable to get you out of my head, out of my heart. I cannot even comprehend the pain you have endured, and are still enduring, to cause you to deface yourself like you have done.
You see, I don’t know you but I love you. This is an odd feeling for me; my heart breaking for someone I have never met, but know that what I feel for you is nothing compared to what the God who created you feels for you. Oh if you only knew how much He loves you!
Believe me, I am not wishing you would “convert to Christianity” so that you can vote the same way I do, fill another seat at my church or so that I can feel good about myself knowing I added to our numbers. I just want you to be free of the pain that is enslaving you. I want you to know when the sun goes down and you are lying awake on your tear-stained pillow that you are not alone in this big dark world. I want you to know you are loved. I want your scars to be healed and your very soul put back together.
I have no idea what you have gone through but my God knows. He knows because all of it happened to Him too. 2,000 years before you carved “HATE” into your arm my God carved “HATE,” “ANGER,” “PAIN,” “ABUSE,” “DISEASE,” “ABANDONMENT,” “GUILT,” “LONELINESS,” “DEPRESSION,” “REJECTION” and “DEATH” into the sides of His Son with a bloody whip. He took all the pain that you would ever go through when He died like a criminal on a cross made of wood. Now He is just waiting for you to ask Him to take it all away. He really wants to.
Now I don’t know how you feel about God; you probably blame Him for everything that has gone wrong in your life. You probably carved HATE into your arm because that is the only feeling you have towards God and all the people you once loved who repaid you with just more pain. I am sure you find it hard to believe anyone who tells you a loving God would torture His children.
There is no way to account for the things that have been done to you, and I know that it may be near impossible to see, but God really does love you and has a purpose for you, despite what you have been through. When He designed you, He did it because He had been dreaming about all the things He wanted bless you with. He wants you to know Him like He knows you. He wants you to become who you were created to be. The God who holds the universe in the folds of His hand wants desperately to wrap you in His arms. He even died so that He could have you.
I don’t know what you think of people who call themselves “Christians,” but it probably is something along the lines of crazy hypocritical people who are stuck in our ways and want to send the whole world to Hell right after we empty everyone’s wallets. Sadly, you would be right in thinking this about a lot of Christians. This isn’t how it is supposed to be, or how it is for most of us. We are simply those who have found the truth. Most of us were at one time wandering around in darkness and despair plotting our own plan to kill God when He found us and gave us real life, not just thinking and breathing but actually living the way we were intended to live. I found the meaning of everything and the secret of happiness I want you to know it.
The scars on your arm may never go away, but the scars on your heart can disappear immediately if you want them to. I may never see you again and get a chance to tell you all this, all that my heart has been bursting with but I pray someone gets to you before it is too late. There are others though, so many people who are dying everyday inside. Some are not as bold as to carve their feelings into their flesh and blood as you have though, but that doesn’t make them any harder to find.
I sincerely hope that I will see you again in heaven. May God erase the HATE on your arm and write LOVE on your heart in it’s place.

As sincerely as humanly possible,
Kyle

The Pile of Shoes Under My Latin Teacher's Desk

My Latin teacher is an odd breed. She is a feisty little woman who takes any chance she can get to talk about how kids these days have it so much better than she did as a brilliant, determined young woman in Jamaica.
She has recently begun to remember my name and I have only been in her class for 3 years. She makes up a name for everyone else so I count it somewhat of an honor.
There is one thing, though, that for the past few weeks has baffled me completely.

My desk is directly across the room from hers and I am daily confronted with the view of a large computer monitor which hides the entirety of my teacher. Occasionally a small head will pop out from behind and interject something which no one in the room understands.
Beneath the desk I see feet that just seem to be content with having won the victory of reaching the floor. Beside them is a pile of shoes.
This pile of shoes bothers me immensely.
I could understand, though it would be a stretch, why someone would have a pile of shoes at their workplace if the shoes were all of a different variety. For instance a woman imprisoned in her 4 inch heels might want to slip on a comfortable pair of house shoes while typing away at the computer, or a runner may want to slip on a pair of running shoes to hit a few miles during their lunch break.
This is not the case with the pile of shoes that has accumulated under my Latin teacher’s desk.
They are all pretty much the same.
I know I am a guy and therefore do not know the slight nuances and variances present in female footwear, but I know enough to know that they all teacher appropriate brown shoes at varying heel heights. There are at least 4 or 5 pairs of shoes down there in addition to the ones on her feet which all look remarkably similar.
As I sat in class pretending to translate Vergil, I became bothered as to the cause of these shoes being where they were.
I began thinking of all these scenarios that would explain this phenomenon but none would suffice. Could my teacher actually have forgotten to wear her shoes home one day and be thus compelled to bring a new pair the next morning? Had this happened every day this week?
Was she trading shoes on the black market?
Or perhaps she is an elf who is simply catching up on her shoe making quota for the month.
I’m sure there is a logical solution for this but I sure can’t think of any. My inability to solve this problem directed my thoughts toward, well, my other thoughts. I began wondering why I wonder and the things I wonder about.
I spent so much time trying to solve a problem that I am sure has a very practical, reasonable, and boring answer yet I rarely wonder at the God who so perplexes my mind and is the ultimate answer to everything I could ever ask. I will spend the rest of eternity wondering about God, poking and prodding at everything I once knew, and daily discovering the previously unknown and still not be able to fully fit God in my head.
When was the last time I was so unsatisfied with what life on Earth could bring me that I begged to know God just a little bit more? Have I become so content with only wondering about the things that I think deal with me that I forget to ask God how He is doing today?
It sounds like a silly thought but have you ever stopped to think about the infinitesimal things God has done just today before you even had your morning coffee?
There is a reason why we are unsatisfiable beings, why it takes so much to come close to filling our satisfaction. We were created to be in a relationship with the one thing in the entire universe that is more infinite than our imaginations. Eternity is a long time to get to know someone, and we wont even get a fraction of all God is. He is that big. That’s why we have forever.

And so I have realized my frivolous ponderings, which are the result of my incredible desire to do anything but translate Classical Roman poetry, are really just instincts originally designed to get me closer to God. He knows everything about us, now He just wants us to return the favor.

Good Mourning

Good Mourning

Lately life has been giving me an atomic wedgie. I feel like I’ve been beaten down to a point where it is hard to get back up again before I am thrown back into the locker of depression. I don’t know how many more swirlies I can take, metaphorically speaking.
The worst part is that none of it is because I turned away from God or what He wanted. It is because I am going after bigger things that the world caved in on top of me.
I woke up this morning and frankly wanted to just stay in bed because being awake means being aware and that was not what I was looking for. As I was trying to convince myself that I really was asleep, a thought popped into my head.
Have you had a good mourning?
That wasn’t a typo, I’m not asking if the couple hours you have been awake have been pleasant but if you have had a good mourning.
As if any mourning could be good.

Webster defines mourning as “An expression of grief, the black clothing worn by a mourner,” but we know it is more than that. People as a whole have felt an obsession with digging themselves deeper into our emotional pits.
In the Bible, any time something bad happened the people affected would rip their clothes and pour ashes on their head (as to whose ashes I’ll never know). I am quite sure that Velcro was invented because of this practice since it is far more convenient than ripping your best tunic in half every time your son got leprosy or your fields caught on fire.
The point though, is that when they mourned, they wanted everyone else to know about it.
Victorian England was infamous for its’ strict mourning rituals. Books were written that described the exact period of time it was appropriate to mourn the death of a husband, brother, friend, or even 3rd cousin (twice removed). Queen Victoria stayed in mourning for her husband until her death, 40 years later! They had to wear special clothes and do special things so that the world would know they were grumpy.
So, have I had a good mourning?
I determined that I had. So far I have succeeded in making myself more and more miserable, which is the purpose of mourning right? Why do we do this to ourselves? Do we really think that it is the easier option than just getting up?
I’ve decided to quit. I am giving up on this mourning thing. I am picking out my wedgie and moving forward.
Sure I am confused, I’m hurt, and I don’t know where I am going anymore but I am choosing to let go of it and start living again.
I have said it before and I will say it again. Don’t live like there is no tomorrow, live because there is a tomorrow.
Living like there is no tomorrow is disappointing, exhausting, and temporary.
As Christians we are promised tomorrow, not necessarily on Earth but tomorrow nonetheless. It may not be tomorrow as in the next 24 hour period of time but it will come.
Jesus told His disciples in John 16
“I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”
That means that all these things that are happening to me just confirm that I am finally on the right track.
That is why I am giving up on mourning, and looking forward to The Morning. That’s when the joy comes.
Give up mourning, not life.



Good Morning

MMX Resolutions

2010 Resolutions

- Take every opportunity I can to serve God and the people around me

-Actually get to know people. Talk to them and learn where they came from and have more faith in them. Become a dream initiator and help them become who they were created to be. Be more Christ-like

- I want to always be reading at least one book of my choice even though I may be required to read others. I also want to always have something that I am in the process of writing at a time.

- Stay in running shape regardless of where I am in the world and run more than the occasional race.

- Never forget that God is my destination not my means of transportation

- Start asking for advice instead of trying to figure it out myself. Have faith that other people can speak into my life too

- Continue learning languages and put them to use

- Learn how to tie a tie

- Perfect my public speaking

- Leave Stockbridge High different than when I arrived

- Thank everyone who has gotten me to where I am going

What it has taken me 17 years to learn

So tomorrow is my 18th birthday and I have been thinking a lot about what my childhood has taught me, since as of midnight tonight I will be entering the world of legal adulthood. Wow that is a scary thought- I feel too young to be this old. Nevertheless here is some wisdom that has taken me 17 years to acquire.

☺ Life should never be spent in preparation for something else; eventually you will forget what you were preparing for and realize you haven’t ever done anything.
☺ People will believe anything you say if you believe it first.
☺ Snorting a Jumbo Pixie Stick isn’t worth the thrill of sneezing in different colors.
☺ If a guy’s happiness depends solely on a girl then his emotions will hitch a ride with her on the crazy roller coaster that she has always been on. Every sensible guy knows that’s not a good idea.
☺ Winning an argument doesn’t provide as much satisfaction as you might think.
☺ Living like there is no tomorrow is great until tomorrow keeps coming and bums you out. Instead live because you are guaranteed a tomorrow (whether on Earth or in Heaven) and it will be better than today.
☺ Music doesn’t have an expiration date.
☺ Always trying to figure out the best possible way to live life is no way to actually live it. Knowing the temperature and depth of the pool is nothing like jumping in and experiencing it.
☺ Don’t let life actually be like a box of chocolates; expensive and only worth it for the couple pieces you like.
☺ Lice shampoo can kill you. Seriously.
☺ Bad handwriting means your teachers don’t know how bad of a speller you are.
☺ If you start making fun of yourself to get other people to laugh eventually you will believe you own jokes and they won’t be so funny anymore.
☺ Every time someone says that it is impossible to lick your own elbow not only does everyone in the room try but at least one of them can actually do it.
☺ Hurt people hurt people continually.
☺ Too much is sacrificed for the sake of humor. The pain it can cause to someone long outlives the happiness it may bring to someone else.
☺ Knowing everything is cool if you aren’t a know-it-all.
☺ God is not a revelation or an emotional experience. He is there when you are up all night writing that thing you can’t get out of your head and He is there when you couldn’t think of anything worthwhile if you tried. He is there when you feel nothing.
☺ Don’t ever care what people think of you unless they think you are an obnoxious jerk. If people think that then you probably are one and should fix it.
☺ The place that provides me with the most discomfort is probably the place where I am supposed to be.
☺ The amount of friends you have has nothing to do with how lonely you can be.
☺ You are never the smartest person you know.
☺ Even Jesus needed friends.
☺ I don’t have to have figured God out to do what He says. If all of creation is simply a chess game between good and evil then I am ok knowing I am just a pawn.
☺ Everyone is socially awkward and insecure about something. Those better at hiding it are usually the ones hurting the most.
☺ Effectiveness is gained more by what you don’t do as oppose to what you do but this should never be an excuse to not do anything. No one has ever gotten saved because I didn’t cheat off their test.
☺ Once we understand that we are all products of our own generation we can move past all those silly fads and nuances in people and start seeing the big picture.
☺ Nothing in the whole world is as satisfying as a relationship with God.
☺ Let God be your destination and not simply your means of transportation.
☺ God is bigger than anything I could ever imagine and so is His plan for me.

The Energizer bunny on a carousel

Sometimes I feel like the Energizer Bunny on a carousel.
I just keep going and going around in a circle until I stop and throw up with motion sickness.
Somewhere along the line I got this idea in my head that a full life means I can’t stop. There is so much that needs to be done in this world that if I stop I obviously am not fulfilling my task. Something is left undone.
Recently God has been dealing with me on this subject and here is what I have learned.
First of all, when God came down to Mt. Sinai and gave Moses the top ten rules for his people, the top ten things that He thought were most important in the upbringing of His people, remembering the Sabbath day was number 5. In a list that condemns murderers, liars, and adulterers we find that we also are condemned for not taking a break.

God himself created everything and then paused.

In Exodus 23:10-12 we find that the Israelites were instructed to plow and harvest their fields for six years and in the seventh year they were instructed to, get this, STOP.

Leave you field un-plowed; go ahead and sleep in because you don’t have to work in the morning. Go take a year off.

For some of us the idea of taking a year off from work or school may sound appealing until you think it through. What is connected to your job?- DING DING DING we have a winner- your paycheck. The Israelites had to worry about their food.

They had to say “Well God we trust that you have provided enough for us from the past 6 years that we are just going to take a whole year off and know that if we don’t have enough food in store by the end of the year you will provide because by then it will be too late.”

Wow.

What I have found is that when I don’t take a break, I take a hit. When I am exhausted and over worked by life I loose efficiency. Things tick me off that a week a go would have had no affect on me. I jump at fewer opportunities to do what God says and jump at more opportunities to sleep or think about something absolutely mindless.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do you?

One of the strangest things I have found in being a long distance runner is that the pain and fatigue of a run attack worse when you stop running then when you are actually running. Your body can go forever until you have to bend over and retie you shoes and find you can’t get back up.

I think this is why I am afraid of stopping- that I will loose some hidden momentum and have to start from scratch. What I fail to realize is that by not stopping, I am loosing that momentum. If I never stop, I will never know if I am heading the wrong direction until I get where I am going and realize I need to turn around and by then I will be too tired to care.

“Remembering the Sabbath,” in my opinion, does not mean that every Sunday must be lazy, as for most ministers Sunday has to be the busiest day of the week. It means that sometimes it is required to just stop. To be still and know that He is God. Even the Energizer Bunny has to stop eventually.
I’m going to go take a nap now.

3-2-1 Blast off, Crash down

Last week NASA made headlines once again. Instead of blasting humans into the lifeless vault of space or sending a robot that in ten years would send us some confusing pictures of E.T.’s backyard, we just decided to crash.
3-2-1 blast-off, crash down.
This was all according to plan, and not some malfunction or terrorist plot. We meant to crash straight into the moon. Apparently a crash of that magnitude would blow many tons of moon dust into the air thus revealing an inner layer of the infamous ball of cheese we have never seen.
Sleepy-eyed children and eccentric science goers arose early to peer through their dusty telescopes waiting to see the promised mushroom cloud of tax payer dollars erupt on the surface of that orbiting unknown. We watched live with anticipation through telescopic cameras recording from all sides this momentous event as the rocket got closer to its target the news stations were on hold waiting for the explosion; with anchors more than ready to mark this as one of the significant events they had the privilege of covering.
“It has almost landed, we are actually going to see history happen, just watch the screen and you will see-wait what’s that? There must be some sort of problem, we are getting reports from NASA that the rocket has already landed- play back the tape see if we missed it. I got nothing.”
Like Geraldo and Al Capone’s safe; all the hype and nothing worth watching.
What was expected to make an impact showed no signs of it at all.
I don’t want to be that rocket but I might be already. I am setting out to make an impact, to make a difference, to do something worth watching, but have I done it? Am I all hype?
After it is all said and done will anybody have seen anything?
NASA still holds that the mission was a complete success, and by all accounts my time in high school will be too. I will graduate in the top 10 percent of my class with a decent GPA and an impressive student involvement resume. I will have teachers who remember me when I come back for homecoming games and peers who expect me to be successful at the time of our reunion. It will just be a success. That’s it.
Not to say that these things aren’t all good, but is that it?
“All that money, all that planning, all that anticipation… and we didn’t even see the explosion?”
Anyone can have success, I want an impact. It has to be more. God use me to stir up the dust around us, and let them see Your explosion.